A NEEDED RESPONSE

Just the description in a Joanna Weiss’s Globe editorial today brought tears to my eyes. It’s a heartwarming 25-second video called “A Needed Response” by University of Oregon sophomore Samantha Stendahl that beautifully counteracts the “rape culture” of the Steubenville, Ohio tragedy, responding to the assumption that a young girl’s victimization was simply the unfortunate by-product of underage drinking and partying, as much the victim’s fault as the perpetrators. Stendahl’s video, now up to almost a million and a half views, shows a girl sprawled on a couch and a boy with a mischievous grin saying, “Hey, bros, check who passed out on the couch. Guess what I’m going to do to her?” He then puts a pillow under her head, covers her with a blanket, places a cup of tea next to her, and gently pulls her hair out of her face before turning back to the camera to say, “Real men treat women with respect.” This brief vignette with its pithy little tag line encapsulated what I’ve been telling my two daughters since early childhood – treat people with respect, and expect to be treated in kind. It seems so simple, so commonsensical that we instill in our children the basic values of human dignity and kindness. How has that gotten so lost along the way?

LEARNING FROM MISTAKES

When the top golfer in the world Rory McIlroy walked off the course in the middle of the Honda Classic not too long ago, he caused quite the kerfluffle. While he tried to excuse his surrender to the pain of a severe toothache, critics suspected he gave up due to his dismal early performance. In his Boston Globe column, “Etiquette at Work,” Peter Post makes the excellent point that McIlroy compounded the bad example of quitting mid-tournament by trying later to excuse it, rather than simply owning up to the unprofessional behavior (which, to his credit, McIlroy later did). Post suggests three steps for handling situations in which we have made a mistake, steps that can be invaluable advice to children as well, and to which I’ve added a some thoughts of my own:

1) Admit the mistake and apologize.

2) Take responsibility and try to address some kind of restitution, if possible.

3) Take a moment to consider what can be learned from the mistake.

4) Move on and commit to do better.

Reframing mistakes as opportunities from which to learn and grow can help kids – and adults – internalize the power of acceptance, resilience and fortitude. As James Joyce said, “Mistakes are the portals of discovery.”

EMPATHY...WITH THE DEVIL?

I just got back from a “Good Work Conference” on “Developing Responsible, Caring, & Balanced Youth,” where I sat on a panel exploring empathy. What is empathy and how do we foster it in our children? Moderator Richard Weissbourd noted that while one of the standard definitions of empathy is being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, it might not be empathy unless some moral value is attached. For example, salesmen and con men are often quite adept at being able to see things from another’s perspective, but if that only leads to manipulation as opposed to a sense of genuine emotional kinship, it’s not necessarily what we are looking to foster. (He mentioned how kids persuade one another to have sexual activity by knowing the right buttons to push.)

MICHELLE DOES "MOM DANCING"

OMG, has there ever been a hipper First Lady than Michelle? But not just surface hip – we’re talking bone-deep “she gets it” chill. Not only does she use the Oscar presentations as a huge opportunity to pitch support for the arts and the critical importance of culture in all our lives, she’s down to dance with Jimmy Fallon as an adorable promo for her “Let’s Move” campaign, which encourages physical activity (with parents joining their kids!) as part of a healthy lifestyle. Check out “The Evolution of Mom Dancing.” I don't quite get the charges that this kind of "every woman" accessibility is inappropriate. Give me someone I can relate to over stiff and proper gravitas any day.

THE BACK-UP PLAN

I had a difficult conversation with my eldest recently. It had to do with reassessing her plans if her current post-grad dreams don’t result in some form of financial independence within a reasonable amount of time. (I keep thinking of that delightfully cryptic Doonesbury comic where Joanie tells her son his “days as a reality intern are over.”)

It wasn’t a conversation I especially wanted to have, being confrontationally averse. And I didn’t take Joanie’s hardline, no-nonsense tack. But it came as a natural segue when my daughter mentioned some of her immediate life goals.  I suggested she add to that list finding something she really liked to do that she could ultimately parlay into work that would sustain her financially, since her current artistic endeavors were not likely to do that. That was met with tears of disappointment and betrayal, with suggestions that I don’t support what she’s trying to accomplish, don’t believe she can “make it.” It was a very tough moment. I countered with lots of reassurance and validation of her talent. (I believe in you, but a life in music is so difficult, the economy is so bad, blah blah blah.) But I didn’t back down, and it left us both feeling sad.

When my younger daughter came home awhile later and I mentioned how I was feeling and why, she saved the day for me, helping put it all in perspective. “Mom, sometimes parents have to say really hard things their kids don’t want to hear. But you still have to say them. And you weren’t try to cramp her dreams, you were just trying to tell her that she needs a realistic back-up plan.” Wow, out of the mouths of babes…

ADDRESS THE VULNERABILITY, NOT THE BEHAVIOR

The adolescent brain is hard-wired for experimentation and thrill-seeking. It’s why we parents often find ourselves shaking our heads in dismay and bafflement, saying, “What in the world were they thinking?” While some hyper-vigilant parents may want to quash any kind of risky behavior by imposing strict rules and constant limitations, the polar opposite style of parent may simply throw up his/her hands and say, “What are you gonna do? Kids will be kids.”

But the middle ground suggests while adolescent experimentation can be viewed as normal and evolutionarily important, making kids more flexible and adaptable, parents should still keep a firm hand in.  And a recent test done in the UK suggests rather than simply telling kids why they shouldn’t do a particular behavior, like binge drink, a more effective deterrent may be to address the underlying personality trait that makes a child more vulnerable to that behavior. For example, kids with low self esteem or social interaction issues may be particularly affected by peer pressure. Instead of harping on the behavior, the study says, focus on addressing the underlying issue.  The study’s author, Dr. Patricia Conrod of King’s College London’s Institute of Psychiatry, explains, “Teaching young people how to better manage their personality traits or vulnerabilities helps them make the right decisions in given situations, whether it is a matter of overcoming their fears, managing thoughts that make them very emotional, controlling their compulsions, analyzing objectively the intentions of others or improving their self-perception.”

Here’s the write-up fromDrugFree.org.