OK, full disclosure – I do
not have sons, so perhaps I could be chastened for not having a clue what it
takes to raise a young man in today’s culture. However, I do have two girls,
both of age, one still in college, and both – in my estimation – strong, competent,
extraordinary young women. And both, by most accounts in addition to my own,
drop dead gorgeous.
So when I read Susanna
Schrobsdorff’s “Be Brave, Be Safe” essay in this week’s Time Magazine, her
advice to her daughter on handling the dangers of sexual assault on campus
immediately resonated. I know what messages I’ve pressed on my daughters about
being aware of their vulnerability in different surroundings, dressing
appropriately, taking care in engaging with strangers, making smart decisions
despite peer pressure and a culture that tends to elevate drinking and casual
sex while devaluing loving, clear-eyed intimacy. We’ve talked about nourishing caring,
supportive friendships and finding self-esteem in being true to one’s most
essential nature. We’ve talked about kindness, generosity, respect, and I truly
believe those messages were heard and continue, for the most part, to be the
cautionary angel on their shoulders, at least subliminally if not completely
hard-wired.
But I have to wonder – what messages
are young men hearing, especially the young college men who use the prevailing
culture of drunken tomfoolery to excuse sexual assault? Weren’t values like
kindness, respect, and self-respect imparted from toddlerhood? What happens in
adolescence when testosterone ramps up? What messages are our young men getting
– from schools, from the media, and yes, from parents? Are we dropping the ball
in the guise of “building strong men?” And why are all the “good” guys, who
wouldn’t think of having drunken sex with someone they barely know, not
stepping up, stepping in?
“No means no” shouldn’t just
be a watch-phrase for young women. That’s a message for everyone, and young
people especially need to hear it and have the courage to say it, loud and
clear.
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