ADDRESS THE VULNERABILITY, NOT THE BEHAVIOR

The adolescent brain is hard-wired for experimentation and thrill-seeking. It’s why we parents often find ourselves shaking our heads in dismay and bafflement, saying, “What in the world were they thinking?” While some hyper-vigilant parents may want to quash any kind of risky behavior by imposing strict rules and constant limitations, the polar opposite style of parent may simply throw up his/her hands and say, “What are you gonna do? Kids will be kids.”

But the middle ground suggests while adolescent experimentation can be viewed as normal and evolutionarily important, making kids more flexible and adaptable, parents should still keep a firm hand in.  And a recent test done in the UK suggests rather than simply telling kids why they shouldn’t do a particular behavior, like binge drink, a more effective deterrent may be to address the underlying personality trait that makes a child more vulnerable to that behavior. For example, kids with low self esteem or social interaction issues may be particularly affected by peer pressure. Instead of harping on the behavior, the study says, focus on addressing the underlying issue.  The study’s author, Dr. Patricia Conrod of King’s College London’s Institute of Psychiatry, explains, “Teaching young people how to better manage their personality traits or vulnerabilities helps them make the right decisions in given situations, whether it is a matter of overcoming their fears, managing thoughts that make them very emotional, controlling their compulsions, analyzing objectively the intentions of others or improving their self-perception.”

Here’s the write-up fromDrugFree.org.

RUBY THE CHINCHILLA

$1300 and counting. Most families probably would have given up by now and let Ruby the sick chinchilla find a second life as a hat or scarf. However, we are a resolute animal-loving family, and Ruby has been an adorable addition to the menagerie for five years. So for my daughter’s sake, we are doggedly persisting in emergency room visits, hospital overnights, and four-times-a day critical care feedings via tiny little syringes of healthy green goo mixed with infant Gas-X – really. Picture a smallish furry bowling ball with big ears wrapped in a towel and wriggling like mad as you try to precisely squirt four tubes of mash into her teeny little mouth. And with a diagnosis of GI stasis, we’ve also become hypervigilant, mostly about poop – size (not too tiny), quantity (hopefully, lots) water content (mushy is good, too dry is bad). Has anyone heard her drinking? Has she touched her hay? And how many times has she run on the wheel?

My daughter fell in love with chinchillas, and this one in particular, rather by accident, but who ever came up with the bright idea to have rodents as pets is high on my black list. My friend Helen told me with utmost sincerity, “You’re being a good mum doing all this. It’s really important to your daughter.” Thanks, Helen. $1300 and two weeks of tears and anxiety later, I needed to hear that.

BIG FEELINGS

One of the greatest gifts our daughters’ wise and beloved preschool teacher gave our family long, long ago is the concept of “big feelings.” It’s kind of like a child’s version of being verklempt, that sense of feeling overcome with emotion, but often not knowing why or what to do about it. The nifty thing about it is that my husband and I quickly appropriated it as well. Big feelings don’t stop with puberty or even adulthood. All through life we have “big feelings” that we don’t know quite how to handle, and the gift is in giving ourselves permission to have them. I’m not advocating full-blown meltdowns or tantrums, but rather just allowing our children, and ourselves, the psychic space to be sad, upset, angry, moody, to be heard if that’s validating, or to have room to be left alone to simply FEEL. Healthy catharsis is underrated…

GETTING IN, AND LETTING GO

I could hear the screams from my daughter’s bedroom echoing down the hall. “I got in, I got in!” She just learned she was accepted early decision to Duke University. It has been her dream school for over two years, and she put all her emotional eggs in that one basket, even knowing that it is one of the most competitive schools in the country and one that doesn’t have a history of accepting kids from her high school. I must admit that, despite fiercely believing she deserved to be admitted anywhere she applied, I had my doubts about her getting in, knowing what a crap shoot college admissions can be. I’d even asked the school psychologist just a week or so ago at a PTO meeting, “How can we be prepared to help our kids if they don’t get into colleges they have their hearts set on?”

Her advice was simple and confirmed my own instincts:

"PARENTHOOD" REALLY PUSHES MY BUTTONS

I’m really not one of those people who shouts at the TV. Or at least I haven’t been until now. But there’s something about the folks on “Parenthood” that really push my buttons. I like the show. It’s topical, dealing with a lot of real situations families often confront on a daily basis, and it’s one of the few shows my daughter and I actually make time to watch together. That’s why it’s seems so out of character for me to be verbally berating the main family figures and their unfortunate foibles. “Ooh, bad call,” I moan

HAPPY TO STILL BE HERE

Somewhere along the line, I stopped waiting for Thanksgiving to count my blessings. I mean, I don’t exactly enumerate them and make exhaustive lists that I ceremoniously share with others. But almost every day at some point, I find myself in this little ritual of sending out a karmic thank you for some of the things I’m grateful for. On really good days, it’s mostly for the big things – family, health, a roof over my head, plenty of food, etc. During periods of high stress amidst chains of little crises, I can often calm myself with little things – an extra half hour of sleep, a really strong cup of coffee, a cat on my lap, warm boots, etc. But rarely a day goes by that I don’t have some moment, no matter how fleeting, of profound perspective and thankfulness, throwing my gratitude out to the universe and hoping it creates a little positive energy.

I’m not exactly sure when this ritual became so ingrained, but I think it started on a more conscious level as I began talking more regularly on the phone to my father.

THE FIXER

As a parent, one of my most primal instincts is to “make things better” for my children. Whether it’s kissing a booboo or helping mend a broken heart, my immediate response is usually to try and “fix” whatever problem my child is confronting. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not the dreaded “helicopter parent,” hovering over my children to monitor and micromanage every aspect of their lives. But when one of my kids comes to me with an issue, my “make it all better” gear can sometimes go into overdrive. I reflexively want to suggest solutions, offer advice, brainstorm some effective strategies.

However, as my children have gotten older (and I have gotten a little wiser), I’ve come to realize that many problems aren’t and shouldn’t be “fixable.”