I just got back from a “Good
Work Conference” on “Developing Responsible, Caring, & Balanced Youth,”
where I sat on a panel exploring empathy. What is empathy and how do we foster
it in our children? Moderator Richard Weissbourd noted that while one of the
standard definitions of empathy is being able to put yourself in someone else’s
shoes, it might not be empathy unless some moral value is attached. For
example, salesmen and con men are often quite adept at being able to see things
from another’s perspective, but if that only leads to manipulation as opposed
to a sense of genuine emotional kinship, it’s not necessarily what we are
looking to foster. (He mentioned how kids persuade one another to have sexual
activity by knowing the right buttons to push.)
Several good programs generated
by schools and outside organizations, including churches, were brought up, but
I think empathy has to start at home, beginning with the family dynamic of how
we treat one another, reinforcing respect and compassion. But I’ve also found
it’s really helpful to share ideas in conversations and open reflections about
values, and those opportunities can be hard to come by. One of the panelists
mentioned meeting children “where they live,” and I realize one of my best
opportunities for chatting about values and human behavior is in front of the
tube, sharing a TV show with my kids. I try not to be obnoxious about it, but I
do find it’s quite revelatory to ask questions like, “Why do you think she did
that? What do you think he’s going to do now? What would you do in that
situation?” Most of the time my owned shared reactions tend toward, “Oh, I feel
so bad for her…” but my daughter loves to bring up the time I got so
exasperated with one TV character I said, “I told you not to go there, you
silly bitch.” Maybe not the best role modeling, both in terms of the
self-righteous judgment and salty word choice, but we both dissolved in
laughter and it totally opened the door to frank reactions thereafter from both
of us. Just don’t get me started on any of “The Real Housewives.”
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